Written by Being Patient

What do you do when your loved one with dementia says things that aren’t true?

Many people have good intentions when they correct their loved one, but experts say this approach isn’t always helpful. According to dementia care expert Teepa Snow, a fellow of the American Occupational Therapy Association, if someone with dementia says something untrue, it may be best for all to let the inaccuracy slide. Here are Snow’s recommendations for handling untruths from a loved one with dementia gracefully — and her reasons for each recommendation.

1. Do not tell your loved one they’re wrong

Contradicting or correcting someone if they say something wrong can be embarrassing for a person living with dementia, and it can be uncomfortable for the person doing the correcting. Rather than try to convince your loved one that they are wrong, avoid this tense situation entirely by sparing your loved one with dementia any embarrassment. 

Practice ways to redirect your loved one from tense conversations to new topics or activities. 

If your loved one starts to bring up a tense topic or you feel yourself or your loved one start to become agitated, shift the focus to an activity you can do together like coloring, listening to music, reading a book or going for a walk. 

“When someone is living with brain change, trying to argue with them, correct their errors, or orient them to reality is almost never helpful,” Snow said. 

2. Focus on preserving the relationship

Persistent communication issues with your loved one living with dementia can make it challenging to preserve the relationship. In every conversation, try to remember that it is important to allow the person living with dementia to feel respected. Respond to their feelings and experiences when communicating rather than their words. 

“Since preserving your relationship should be the primary focus, you will have to give up on being ‘right,’” Snow said. “Does it really matter if the individual you support is seeing something a different way?” 

3. Step into their reality

When an explanation is too granular or you find that telling the truth about a situation would upset your loved one such as reminding them of a family member’s death, you might wonder if you should resort to telling a white lie. White lies are necessary with Alzheimer’s patients sometimes, but there are also alternatives.

Snow suggested: Just go with it. 

“You don’t have to necessarily lie to them, but be willing to go along with them, and live in their reality,” Snow said. “For example, if your mom tells you that she was an Olympic gymnast and you know that is not accurate, instead of saying, ‘Mom, that’s not true!’ you may say something like, ‘Wow, tell me more about that!’” In this way the interaction becomes playful and engaging for both parties instead of strained.

You can assemble your own tactics by testing the above tips and observing the level of success with your loved one. Approaching conversations from a place of preserving the relationship and respecting your loved one can serve as one of the best guiding principles.